What Makes for a Good Guest?

Our schools spend so much time and energy teaching kids, all kids, a significant amount of information that they’ll never use. I totally understand the concept of exposing kids to different fields of study to help them identify their unique abilities or interests, but as we know, there are only so many hours in a school day, and some of the things being missed are critical to a fulfilling life of relationships and personal happiness. 

In this weeks ‘tips’ I wanted to include something that’s hardly taught and most people figure out the hard way. For most, the ‘hard way’ means that we make the mistake, learn from it and don’t make that same mistake again. For people with disabilities however, not only do the judgements from the public tend to be harsher, but without guidance they may not even realize they made the mistake in the first place.

Since the holidays are upon us, I thought I would start there. We typically refer to this set of skills as soft skills. These include unspoken rules like what to say in public vs private, how to keep your opinion to yourself if you don’t like a friend’s new haircut, or what kind of comments are bad in a public restroom. These are things that can get us into big trouble with friends, supervisors and even the police. They are way more important than most people imagine, and most definitely deserve our attention. 

ARE YOU A GOOD GUEST? 

Being a good guest isn’t as easy as just showing up. Think about all the skills that we have to learn just to get invited! If you’re a parent of a young child, consider this a heads up! Kids who don’t get invited to parties could be lacking social skills that no one at school is even telling you. This means that you need to ask the questions…

1. How many children does Kevin interact with each day?
2. Who does Layla talk to at lunch?
3. What does Peter do on the playground? 
4. How does Sharon handle group projects in your classroom?
5. How often does Javier initiate interactions each day?

If kids are going through a school day interacting with no one but the teacher and aid, chances are good that peer relationships will not grow, and as a result, there’ll be no invitations to parties and after school gatherings. The good news is that you can change that! By using the above sample questions, let your teacher know that you’d like to begin making changes TODAY!

For those who are high schoolers or adults, and parents too for that matter (I’m always learning), being a great guest is an art. And since many people just don’t want to say anything, you could make a huge mistake, but not even realize it until you’re not invited back. 

SO, WHAT’S THE SECRET? 

During the holiday season, it’s all the more important to make sure you don’t accidentally ruffle any feathers, and we’ll go through a few of those here. 

Arriving Early—Or Very Late

You might think you’re being considerate by arriving a few minutes early or, conversely, “fashionably late,” but hosts usually hate it either way. “Many people assume that coming early to a party is very thoughtful and appropriate. However, arriving early is highly intrusive!” says Maryanne Parker, owner of Manor of Manners. For people with autism who can be strict rule followers, they may assume that a 6:00 party means that they need to be there and settled in by 6:00. But if the host is still setting up, she/he will most definitely not appreciate the early arrival. They are not likely to say anything, but they will file that away for future reference. “If you have a few options, such as 5:50 p.m., 6:00 p.m., 6:10 p.m., and 6:20 p.m., the perfect option is 6:10 p.m. Many people mistake fashionably late for fashionably rude. Being late is never fashionable.”

Bringing Food if the Host Didn’t Ask You to

If you’ve been invited to a birthday party or dinner party, don’t bring food unless the host specifically asked you to make a dish—and that goes for a bottle of wine that you expect your host to open during the party. This is where reading the invitation is important. If it’s a potluck, it’ll say so. It’s also customary to ask the host what you can bring. If too many people bring desserts, then there’s not enough real food to go around 🫤

Showing Up Empty Handed

If you’re not bringing a dish, that doesn’t mean you show up empty-handed. “Always arrive with something for the host,” says Diane Gottsman, etiquette expert and owner of The Protocol School of Texas. Choose a small, tasteful gift to show your appreciation for being invited. This might include a plant, art books, flowers, or a set of teas. All will work well for you! 

Bringing an Uninvited Plus-One

If you are invited to a party, YOU are invited to a party. Chances are that the host has put a lot of thought into planning the event and another person could upend that by bringing someone unexpectedly. If you feel like you really need that other person to be there, check with the host in advance to make sure it’s ok. Never make assumptions.

Being Dismissive of Other Cultures and Holidays

November and December are packed with cultural holidays. If you happen to be invited to a gathering that celebrates something that you don’t, and you decide to go, do a little research in advance as to what might be expected. “If you find yourself in a house where the tradition is a prayer before the meal [for instance] and you are not particularly religious or have different religious beliefs, the only appropriate way is to join the prayer silently and not to make demonstrations and rude remarks,” says Parker. 

Bringing Up Divisive or Political Topics

This is a really hard one in today’s politically driven climate! Lots of people want to talk politics, but unless you know how to handle conversations that sound more like debate than a social gathering, steer clear. “Try to refrain from talking about politics, religion, and money. Avoid oversharing about health issues you might be experiencing currently,” says Parker. If you find yourself going down a controversial rabbit hole, it’s perfectly ok to excuse yourself for a potty break, fresh air or drink. 

Consuming the Conversation 

Nearly everyone likes to talk about themselves. A good party conversation starter is, “What do you do for a living?” Or “How do you know __(host)?” These questions should get your conversation going, but be careful not to immediately switch the topic to your preferred topic of conversation or forget that a conversation is TWO WAY, allowing time for the other person to speak while you show you’re carefully listening. 

Overindulging in Food and Drink

Not everyone has the same fill line telling them when enough is enough. This requires paying attention to what other people are doing and how much food is left. You never want to take seconds if there are people who still haven’t had their first, and you most definitely don’t want someone to be able to say, “Yikes, he’s back for more!” Once you’ve gotten your food, don’t hover around the food station. Mix and mingle. Too many glasses of wine should most certainly be avoided. Especially if you’re someone who doesn’t drink or only drinks on rare occasions, a good rule to follow is, “One and Done.”

Regifting in the Same Social Circle

Unless the host has told you to bring a ‘white elephant gift’, don’t bring a gift that someone else has given you. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself: Would I want this gift for myself? If the answer is no, then don’t bring it, donate it. 

If you do decide to regift an item, don’t regift in the same social circle. These gifts are only acceptable if the gift has never been opened, never used, and looks brand new.

Moving Place Cards or Settings Around

If you go to a party, wedding, or other event that has place settings, don’t move the cards around so you can sit next to whomever you’d like. If you find yourself sitting next to someone you don’t know, then take the initiative, introduce yourself, and strike up a conversation.

Overstaying Your Welcome

Don’t be the last one to leave. Keep an eye on other guests to see when most people are saying their goodbyes and plan to do the same. Generally speaking, when you can smell coffee brewing, it’s time to plan your exit, but don’t do so abruptly. Be certain to find the host, thank them for inviting you and compliment them on the wonderful evening or event. 

There are about a million more ‘rules’ to know when attending holiday parties, but the biggest one is to have a good time! Sometimes it takes going to a few, laying back to see how your host manages their party and actively participate as seems appropriate.